Papa's first death anniversary

By December 14, 2010, it would be one full year since father left us. It seems only a few weeks back. But it couldn’t be after all the lonely months I went through. It’s definitely one year as I’m ready to move on. In fact, I have started the healing journey, thanks in great measure to this new job. Father would have been happy and proud. He always imagined me reaching higher grounds than he did in his lifetime. He would always say, “Bett, children would always surpass the achievements of their parents”. Hmmm. Father had so much faith in his stubborn daughter.

I have missed father. I have missed his brilliance. I have missed our politics and discussions. I have missed having a human anchor.

But life’s like that. We are bound to lose the people we love (and hate occasionally) to death.

Having lost both parents, I could only advise those who still have their parents around to love them, cherish them, spend time with them, talk, talk, talk until you drop, so when the time comes to say goodbye, there are no regrets.

I have spent time with both my parents during their sick moments. Those were tough times. I lost mother when I was only in my early thirties. It was 2001. I felt then that she was too young to go; and I was too young to lose a mother. It was the first death in the family. It was odd, painful, hard and tough on all of us including father.

Fast forward to 2009. I had a difficult time dealing with father’s illness. I was trying to shield myself from the pain when he was still very sick. It was my coping. It didn’t help that I had to relocate then from Gen. Santos City to Cebu City and was missing my kids. It added to my loneliness. I had difficulty talking to him because I didn’t know what to talk about. I guess I had to deal then with the reality that he was very sick and I was healthy and it was very strange to me. Papa was always healthy. He seldom got sick. I was more often sick than he was. He was always cautioning me to be careful with my asthma because he knew of some people who died of asthma. In fact, at one time he shared that a child of a friend died of asthma attack. Then suddenly there he was very sick and I was grappling for words.

I think he was also dealing with that reality because he would often say when I turned quiet, “It’s okay Bett, I’m tired now”.

For all the lonely and painful moments during father’s illness and his death thereafter, I knew that healing would always come, in its own time.

I can’t help but recall my last moment with him when we were encouraged to speak to him individually to say goodbye. His eyes were closed. It was my turn to talk to him.

I felt awkward – one of those bizarre moments of your life, but I needed to. I spoke gently in his right ear and said, “Pa, this is Bebett, your most favourite daughter”. What would you know! He opened his eyes and looked at me haha. It was a very brief moment and then he closed his eyes again. What followed was a small ripple of laughter in the room. I spoke to him and then sung his favourite gospel song, followed by his favourite standard songs like “The Nearness of You” and two others.

Hmmm. I can only say this: “A daughter’s relationship with her father is always special, very unique”. It’s a special bond transcending one’s lifetime.

Food for thought: Love and fear. Everything the father of a family says must inspire one or the other. ~Joseph Joubert

Rich tapestry of life

When I lost mother in October 2001, I had a hard time coping. Among the things I did that helped me cope was reading. I read several books: books on coping, healing, moving on, maximizing your life, and some others.
One of the more helpful books was The Art of Coping by Fredrica R. Halligan, Ph.D. I borrowed this book from Sister Lucia Arana, OND, my MBA classmate who became my close friend, and one of those who helped me get through that dark period in my life. Incidentally Sister Lucia is now based in Jolo and I really desire to visit her there.
When father died a couple of months ago and I returned Gen. Santos City last summer, I picked the book again and read. I put it on a nook to read when I have the need.
Today, I picked it again and my attention was caught by the page on “Friendship”.

Allow me to lift some passages from the book that focus on “Friendship”. It says loneliness and lack of companionship are among the greatest unrecognized contributors to illness and premature death. Recent research shows the immune system is adversely affected by loneliness, so we are becoming increasingly aware that long, healthy lives are more likely for people who have good interpersonal relationships. In order to strengthen the bonds with others and to have a full and rewarding social life, we need to reach out, to open ourselves so that we can touch and be touched by others. To be truly available for deep intimate relationships, we need to accept our personal limitations. We need to be willing to lower our masks and allow more of our true selves to appear to the other. When we acknowledge and accept our vulnerability as human beings, we become more willing to expose ourselves, both our strengths and weaknesses. Trust is built by mutual sharing of our authentic selves.
I simply love this naked truth: Trust is built by mutual sharing of our authentic selves. What a great one-liner. It rocks!
The book says, the number of friends we have and how long these relationships thrive may be affected by proximity and by shared interest, but clearly, all good relationships require effort. To be true friends, we need to be able to depend on one another. We care and are generously concerned for each other. Even when time, energy, or the resources are scarce or when we are separated by many miles, as friends we have an abiding sense of our mutual affection. Authentic relationships are never one-sided. Mutuality means that each of us can count on the affection, acceptance, and enduring good will of the other. We have an unspoken pact that our friendship matters to each of us.

I agree totally. Relationships require effort and more. I call it investment. We invest time, effort, and even resources in our relationships. We invest love, affection, trust, respect, the right attitude, and all positive feelings in our relationships. That’s why it hurts when a relationship turns sour. It hurts the most when we are rejected in a relationship. Boy that really sears through the flesh.
Throughout life, friendship is an essential ingredient to vibrant living. As we grow older, our personalities become more highly developed and we often find that our capacity for deep, mutually rewarding relationships increase. The rich tapestry of life is open for friends to share together, the book continued.
I love this line: The rich tapestry of life is open for friends to share together. Indeed life is full; life is rich. We are only dots in this universe. So let’s look from the outside to fully appreciate the grid of connected dots representing the relationships that we have built through the years. Then we can smile knowing that we are full; that our life is complete.

What a wonderful reading. I’m so glad I picked up the book again. It is inspiring and reaffirms my deep faith in friendship.

Food for thought: Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself. >Henry Miller

October, I remember.

Ever since mother passed away in 2001, I have always made it a point to visit Bohol during her death anniversary on October 4th and birthday on October 5th. That was before father passed away.

This month, I found no inspiration to visit Bohol. Father passed away in December, 2009 and it seems like there is no one to go home to anymore. Life.

Maybe after I have totally healed from the pain of losing father I could look forward to visiting Bohol again during death anniversaries and birthdays. There is always a time and season for everything.

But truly surprises come our way through people. Thursday afternoon, I received a message from PPSC-RTS 12 to provide a lecture on Public Speaking with practicum to Police Officers undergoing their Junior Leadership Course and, of all dates, October 4 and 5! Haha. Serendipity? Divine intervention?

It made me happy. Truly, there is a reason for everything, and a season.

So I will teach.
And this one’s for mother, the educator par excellence.